Monday, October 6, 2014

Dear Diary....

I'm done.  

Feeling so low.  

Spent, exhausted, emotional...  fraying at the edges.

I know tomorrow I will find the strength to go on...

Apparently Mercury is in retrograde or something like that, and there is a full moon due in 2 days time.  That coupled with the $hitty weather we are having at the moment probably isn't helping regulate my mood.

I should be happy we finally got a diagnosis for Mr D, but I am now left trying to make the right decisions for him, the pressure for getting this NDIS stuff right is so high!  We have to make suer he is coping at school, he is supported everywhere and balance that with ensuring we don't support too much so he can still extend himself and grow as much as possible.  I am feeling very very isolated as there is so much support and assistance in the cities, here in the boondocks there is pretty much nothing.  Even the local ASD support group is questionable at times :/  

We continue to try and build a relationship with Miss K.... and fail miserably.  I don't know how much more I can put in there and continue to be slapped around.  Not literally, well, not at the moment...  I struggle to comprehend how we can be told that she is the way she is because of moving and disruptions during childhood when her brothers display no actions like she does - not even her autistic older brother!  Surely if they have had the same experience and upbringing and our choices created a mental issue then the autistic child should struggle the most with subsequent social skills?  Instead he is doing well at school, holding down a job and has a girlfriend!!!  My head is struggling to justify it all....  I know we have been told there may be an underlying mental condition but that keeps being pushed to the wayside and blame thrown back at us all the time...  

I'm broken I think.  Just broken, drained and done in....

Miss A has been started on medication now for migraines.  It has side effects, hopefully she won't get many.  It should also help her allergies and increase her appetite which are positives.  Just watching her and noting anything unusual... it's hard to try and work out what is unusual in a girl who is already a "medical enigma"  But we have noticed her moods already going downhill.. or is that the full moon and mercury stuff affecting her too??

Then we also deal with Mr T being non-verbal and possible severe to profound hearing loss.  I don't know at times if he isn't hearing us... But then the only thing that could explain his non-verbalness if it isn't hearing loss is autism... I don't think I can deal with a third autistic child!  I know if that is the case we will, but my heart is breaking to think that our perfect men are possible being afflicted with this condition.  

I feel so guilty that either genetically or situationally we have apparently harmed all our children.  Despite our best efforts we have failed and now we have to try and pick up the pieces and go on.  I don't know if I can anymore... I really don't...

And if I say anything publicly it is whining, complaining, attention seeking...  

I need somewhere to debrief and work through all this...  It seems I can't comment anywhere without negativity so I find myself back here.  

I know I will probably be a bit stronger in the morning...  Hopefully...


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