It would appear the sense of unease I was feeling not that long ago may have had a good reason. My husband of 17 years up and walked out on myself and our 6 children Wednesday just gone.
As of January 29, 2015 I am now a single mother of 6 additional needs children.
I'm trying to hold it all together and be strong for the children.
But I know I am going to crumble eventually.
At the moment I am holding on so tight to my new job as a tupperware demonstrator to help bring in some much needed income to our new family and desperate to try and stay as calm and transparent as possible.
We have had no contact with my husband since Wednesday. He left with a simple text message saying he was coming to pick his things up, and nothing since then. He didn't even turn up to care for the children when I had to go do my first training demonstration.
I am hurt beyond belief.
My trust is shattered.
My faith is crumbling.
My self confidence is zilch.
Hoping that we come through this in one piece and somehow find some strength and positives inside this new speed bump in our lives path.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
I don't know what is happening.
I have a great feeling of unease and I feel it's starting to eat me up from the inside. I don't know where it's coming from or why... Just have a feeling that there are some important decisions to make... but what are they? What choices to make? What? where? why??? I just don't know...
I feel like I'm at a crossroads, but I can't see what way I should be headed, I can't see anything, but meant to be making a decision to take a path... what path? where? when? why? I just don't know...
It does;t even seem to make any sense when I write it down, let alone in the jumbled confusion that is my head at the moment.
I just know that things aren't as they should be now, and I need to make some choices to set them straight...
I only wish I knew what the choices were and what the variables are and what is expected of me...
Like I'm turning up to school for a regular day, only to discover it's the end of year and exam time and I've not even finished the classes, let alone studied for the exam and I'm meant to come out with straight A's as per usual...
Drowning? Is that a decent description?
just mulling things over...
I mean, there are some options I can see, but not sure if they are real options or if I'm grasping at something because it's just a life bouy dangling in front of a drowning person, tied with a piece of string to the lifeline... but if it is grabbed, it will the string snap? Is it really the choice or decision life is asking me to consider at the moment? I just don't know...
Seriously, this feeling of unease, confusion, unsettledness is churning so much, weighing on my mind... I could curl up in a corner and cry from the pressure to do the right thing when not knowing what even the wrong thing is...
Monday, January 12, 2015
MENU PLAN: January 15th - 22nd
- Thursday: Singapore Noodles
- Friday: Butter Chicken with Coconut Satay Basmati Rice
- Lunch - Pancakes
- Dinner - Silverside with Steamed Veg
- Monday: Curried Cabbage Mince with Steamed Veg
- Tuesday: Lasagne with homemade wedges
- Wednesday: Chicken Mignons with Steamed Veg** Back up meal: BBQ with Potato Salad
Sunday, January 11, 2015
2015 has already been a bit of a roller coaster. We have had bushfires locally, been packed ready to evacuate over a couple of days of unrest with a bushfire around 20kms form us which was a very real threat to property and life (it is still burning with flare ups, but contained) and now the post Christmas/New Year depression has hit.
So trying to get out of this funk with a bit of planning and setting some goals for the year... and failing miserably.
I don't want to set hard and fast goals, things that are flexible and allow for our complicated family life. We have no idea what is going to eventuate from Miss A's MRI in March for example so quite simply can not set things too firmly.
I do know that I want to start taking some time for me. I don't mean that to be selfish, but I seem to have lost myself in being the main carer for the family, allowing the husband to do what he wants and trying to be firm but flexible with the teenage children... in all that i have not allowed myself anything for me! I did start my diploma of web design, which was novel for the first week when mum was studying, but being able to find an hour where i'm uninterrupted, not being called for, not dealing with a spat, a cut knee, a spilled drink, a meltdown etc etc has proven impossible. At this stage I don't know if it will be possible to complete my diploma. Which is probably contributing to the blues I am feeling at the moment. I hate starting something and not being able to finish or proceed. I hate admitting defeat... I'm probably too stubborn :/
I also want to sew more. I'm currently trying to construct a new diary cover. Complete with card slots for appointment cards, a few hidden pockets for receipts and a closing pocket for other bits and pieces that seem to accumulate in my diary. The plan is in my head, but putting it into action has been a little more complicated than I though... especially when I usually have Toby trying to help with the sewing machine foot control, And trying to juggle the hot iron so it doesn't burn any curious little fingers or noses (yes noses... no idea why but apparently the smell of the iron is fascinating!!!)
Scrapbooking is not going to be a thing of the past. I really want to find my desk and get a layout or three completed. I have to dig it out from under the toys and storage boxes, but I know it is there.. I'll also need to do a stocktake on adhesives and a few other things I know the kids have helped themselves to ;) But it's going to be done. I just want to be able to create again!!
And I also want to keep up with the blog. Not that I have anything earth shattering to share etc, but it's kinda therapeutic and looking back over time seeing how our family and lives have evolved is important to me.
So a few things I want to achieve in 2015... There are some other things I really want to do, like get a preserving kit and become all homesteadish but that's something that may or may not happen. but for now, these are the aims for 2015 which may actually be somewhat achievable. Looking at my diary filling up with appointments it looks like it will be tough to fit it all in, but where there's a will, there is alway a way ;)