crumbling...

Sitting here, typing... Have a 2 year old screaming "blue dummy, I want my blue dummy" over and over in a pitch that should burst ear drums.  Jumping, bouncing the floor boards in an attempt to get attention.  1 year old standing in his heavy, oversized cast feet at the side of the bed with eyes wide open watching his sister have a 2 year old tantrum whilst also trying to pat mummys leg trying to get some attention... hinting that if the pats don't work 4 perfectly white teeth will soon be sunk into the flesh of mummys thigh.  Miss 14 year old is just outside the door, stomping around, screaming that we are unfair, that she does everything and she can't wait to get out of this family or run away again, or wishes she was dead... all whilst Mr 5 and Mr 13 are trying to watch a movie.  Mr 14 should be washing up but he is refusing to on the grounds that Miss 14 isn't going out and helping... Mr 5 is in his own world... oblivious to the scene going on around him.  Me... I'm crumbling.  I don't know what more to do to get this family thing happening.  I"m touched out, screamed out, pushed out...  My walls of stubborn good motherhood are crumbling and I can feel myself become bruised and hurt that our family are not "normal"  I can feel the walls disintergrate and the black cloud of depression is starting to seep in...  I have no energy to fight it.  I'm exhausted, mentally and physically...

Husband and Mr 15 will be home from work soon so I need to re-adjust the mask and try to smile on.  Dinner preparations will begin soon.  Miss 2 has just fallen asleep beside me.  At least that is one screaming child quiet.  Miss 14 has fallen quiet too.. No doubt thinking that I haven't responded that she has got away with yet another blackmailing tantrum from her....  Mr 1 will need feeding soon, yes he is past 12 months and still breastfed... just another thing the great big world judges without knowing the full story :/  Just another weight at times that is tied around my feet as I struggle from drowning in what is our family....

I often wonder where we would be without the kids... Would I have finished uni, would we have traveled?  would we even still be together?  But as much as I am drowning and struggling to cope I can't imagine my life any other way.  I'm miserable, I'm physically and mentally exhausted, drained, I'm lacking in sleep, I'm struggling, I'm edging on depression - again.... as much as I'd give anything for some semblance of a normal life, I know this is it for me, and that there are reasons that we have been given these 6 little challenges...  We just have to find the strength to go on.  I'm praying that some sleep tonight will make the world look a little brighter in the morning...